


The L-Word

by Vanilla_Owns_Chocolate



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Neglect, Internalized Homophobia, homophobic parents, i know literally nothing about it, this is not in any way related to the show the l-word
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-13 16:37:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20585645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vanilla_Owns_Chocolate/pseuds/Vanilla_Owns_Chocolate
Summary: "Hey, uh...why don't you ever say that word?""I just...huh. I don't know. Are you sure I haven't said it before?"





	The L-Word

Lily was very open about her sexuality.

She never saw any reason to deny it. It would always be a part of her, and she didn't see the point in keeping it to herself. After all, she reasoned, if straight people were allowed to talk about their crushes and relationships without the fear of being judged, why should she do the opposite? Lily wasn't ashamed of who she was, especially when she had a girlfriend as wonderful as Gumi.

Gumi was the best girlfriend Lily could have ever asked for. When they had met for the first time, neither of them could have expected the impact they would have on one another's lives. Every night spent in each other's arms, every kiss they shared, every whispered word of love spoken softly between moments of intimacy was something that they both treasured dearly.

Lily, for the first time ever, was truly and deeply in love. She had never felt this way about any of the other girls in her life. Her thoughts were now constantly occupied with thoughts of Gumi, of her laugh, her smile, her voice. Every time she popped into her head, Lily felt a warmth blossom in her heart that never went away no matter how many times she experienced it. Gumi was an angel, a gift, and Lily felt blessed to be so lucky.

Now, Gumi was shy. That much was obvious. She hardly spoke a word to anyone outside of her small friend group, and Lily was one of the few people that she could truly open up to. When they were together, Lily noticed, her smile would seem more genuine, her poise more confident and assured. It was an honor, really, to be able to see the side of Gumi that was generally hidden to the public, even her closest friends.

But despite all this, there was one thing that Lily had picked up on. She never liked to talk about her sexuality.

That was fine, of course; not everyone was as open as Lily was. But with Gumi, it was more than just not being open. She never said "I'm gay," just "I like girls." Lily wasn't sure she had ever heard her say the word "lesbian" before.

And it wasn't that Gumi was unsure about her identity, either. She was very certain that she liked girls and only girls. She had been in relationships with a few guys in the past, but nothing ever worked for her. She was just not attracted to them, and sometimes, she confessed, she still felt guilty about it.

Perhaps that was why she was so hesitant to say that she was gay. Lily could understand that. Even though Gumi never felt any sort of romantic attraction to her past boyfriends, she might have some kind of lingering idea that she was betraying them somehow. Gumi freaked out at the thought of remotely upsetting anyone, even over something minor, so that was probably a factor in her insecurity.

But there was something more, Lily pondered. All of Gumi's boyfriends were part of the past - surely, they would have moved on by now and found somebody new, somebody that truly loved them. No, there had to be another reason. A deep, personal reason that Lily couldn't even begin to fathom.

So, one day, after a long, stressful time at school, Lily went over to Gumi's place to relax. Gumi's parents were never home, so they could usually spend the whole evening together. Sometimes, Lily would even stay the night, though they never did anything sexual, as Gumi felt that she wasn't ready yet. That was fine by Lily. Just lying together and snuggling was good enough for her.

They were doing just that - flopping down on Gumi's bed together and wrapping each other in a happy embrace - when Lily let the familiar phrase leave her lips. "God, I'm gay."

Gumi chuckled, a very soft chuckle that was like music to Lily's ears, but she didn't say anything. She merely smiled and buried her face into her girlfriend's neck, clutching her tighter.

A more polite person would have left it at that, but Lily wasn't exactly known for her tact. Without meaning to, she found herself asking, "Hey, uh...why don't you ever say that word?"

Gumi tensed in her arms, and Lily immediately felt like she had made a mistake. _Shit,_ she thought, _I'm such a dumbass._

"I mean, uh," she hastened to patch things up, "you don't have to answer that question. I didn't mean to say that, I was just-"

"No, no, it's fine," Gumi assured her, surprisingly calm. Beneath the outer layer of indifference, however, Lily heard the slight crack of her voice that usually came when she was nervous. "I just...huh. I don't know." She seemed genuinely thoughtful. "Are you sure I haven't said it before?"

"I don't think so?" Lily raised her voice to a questioning tone, suddenly a little uncertain herself. Had she been mistaken? Did Gumi's refusal to say that she was gay just not mean anything at all? Was she just reading too deep into the situation?

"I mean...I _could_ say it," Gumi ventured, "I don't know why I haven't. I guess...I guess I just never thought about it before."

"Oh." Lily went silent, her mind working rapidly to repair the atmosphere. All the while, though, the back of her brain continued to pester her about her girlfriend's lack of confidence in herself. "Are you sure you're not, like...uncomfortable with it?"

"No, no." Gumi shook her head, giving Lily a comforting squeeze. "God, no. If I was, I wouldn't be dating you."

Lily had to smile at that, despite her worries. She supposed that, if Gumi really was uncomfortable with the word, she would have brought it up. After all, Lily wound up saying it pretty much every day at some point or another.

"But..." Gumi continued speaking, seemingly lost in thought. "I guess I'm still kinda...adjusting to it. You know, liking girls."

There it was again. "Liking girls." It was cute, honestly, the fact that she chose to talk about it that way. Again, Lily found her smile getting a bit wider.

"Can...can you try saying it right now?" Lily asked, avoiding eye contact. She didn't want to upset her girlfriend, even if the word didn't bother her as much as she thought it did. "Like, just so I know I'm not crazy or anything. Because I'm pretty sure I've never heard you say it before. B-but that's okay!" She backed up a little to hold up her hands, waving them in an attempt to repair any possible damage she had done. "'Cause if you really don't want to say it, you don't have to."

This time, Gumi smiled, though it was a very faint one. She leaned over to give Lily a kiss on the cheek. "It's okay. I think you might be right. I..." She paused, suddenly looking unsure of herself. Taking a deep breath, she squeezed each of Lily's hands. "I'm...gay."

The way the phrase was said made Lily tilt her head a little. Now she was _sure_ she had never heard Gumi say that before, because she had never seen her this uncertain about something since she came out for the first time. Even then, all she had said was "I think I like girls." Never "I'm gay" or "I think I might be a lesbian." "I like girls." It was always "I like girls."

"Are you okay?" Lily asked, worried. "Are you sure you don't-"

"No." Gumi shook her head firmly. "No, I'm okay. It's just...you're right. I've never said that before. It feels kinda weird, saying it out loud like this."

"Oh." That made sense. Lily felt relieved at the realization that it probably was pretty weird for her to say something so simple, so blatantly obvious, out loud for the first time. Still, she felt the need to confirm that her girlfriend was okay. "So you're gay?"

Gumi couldn't stop an adorable little snicker. "We're dating, Lily. You already know that."

"Well, yeah, but I just wanna make sure." She winked, running a playful hand through Gumi's hair. "Y'know, just in case you're playin' with my heart. I need to hear the truth straight from your lips before I kiss 'em again."

Gumi laughed a little louder this time and leaned in to give Lily another kiss, this one right on the mouth. "I'm gay," she said when they broke away, a teasing light still in her eyes.

Lily stuck out her tongue. "That's cheating. You kissed me _before_ you told me the truth. Looks like I'm gonna need a do-over."

The two of them laughed and kissed again, and again, and once more before falling back into a comfortable silence in each other's arms. Still, after a few more minutes, Lily felt a twinge of curiosity in the pit of her stomach.

Gumi had finally admitted that she was gay - not that it was much of a surprise - but she still hadn't said the word "lesbian" before. It was strange, she thought to herself with a jolt, how the word "lesbian" wasn't even a Japanese word. It was an English word, if she remembered correctly, and then a Greek word before that. Lily only knew this because she thought it was hilarious that there existed an island called Lesbos, on which the residents were all referred to as Lesbians.

But in all seriousness, Lily wondered why her girlfriend still hadn't said "the L-word." Was it similar to "gay" in that she just hadn't thought about it before, or was there something else? Lily decided to test the waters and see.

"So...are you okay with saying that you're a lesbian?"

Gumi froze, and for a second Lily thought she had messed up. A long minute of silence passed, and with every second Lily felt like apologizing a thousand times. But she waited for Gumi's answer, and when it finally came, it wasn't what she had expected.

"I don't know," she said, "I guess that word is just a little more specific. Like, yes, I'm a girl who likes girls, and no, I don't like boys at all. But for some reason it just feels...feels..." She paused, searching for the right term. She looked alarmed at the thought that had popped into her own head, and Lily could guess what she was thinking.

"Dirty?" she suggested, not unkindly. Rather, her voice was filled with understanding and sympathy.

Still, Gumi seemed taken aback. "N-no! No, not..." Her voice trailed off, and her shoulders sagged in defeat. "Okay, maybe...maybe a little." She stopped, then immediately waved her arms. "But I'm not saying that to be mean or anything! I have no problem with you saying it! I just, I, um..." She looked stressed, and Lily couldn't stop herself from giving her a quick kiss.

"It's okay," she whispered, "I'm not mad. I get it. It's still kinda hard for you to accept, right?" Her voice was encouraging but soft, as if to say, "I'm fine with you being uncomfortable, and I love you."

Gumi sighed, looking down at the dark green blanket beneath them. "Y-yeah, pretty much. See, for the longest time, I never knew that dating other girls was even an option, and..." She took another deep, shaky breath. "And my parents always told me that that was wrong."

Lily felt anger well up inside of her, but she forced it down. She hated Gumi's parents. Though she had never seen them, even after all this time, she knew that they were awful. They had to be, if they were leaving their child here all alone, forced to take care of her eight-year-old brother by herself.

"So I never felt comfortable using that word about myself," Gumi continued, unaware of her girlfriend's resentment at her parents. "But I...I should, shouldn't I?"

Gently, Lily grasped the side of Gumi's face and tilted it so they were looking into each other's eyes. "Listen, hon," she said, full of determination, "I'm not going to tell you what you 'should' and 'shouldn't' be comfortable with. You have the right to say whatever you want about yourself."

Gumi's face flushed, and she went to wrap her arms around Lily again. But Lily wasn't finished. She needed to let Gumi know that she was loved, she was precious, and that her parents couldn't tell her how to identify. "But it's _your_ choice. Don't hold off on saying it because your shitty fuckin' parents don't want you to. They're not here now, and after everything they've done to you, they have no right to boss you around."

For a moment, Gumi was speechless, her eyes wide. She opened her mouth to say something, but she ended up closing it again. Briefly, Lily was worried that she said something wrong, but eventually Gumi spoke up.

"You're right," she murmured, her voice wavering yet confident. "You're right, I...I can't let them stop me."

Lily stroked her cheek. "Babe-"

"I'm..." Gumi screwed her eyes shut, probably to keep herself from crying. "I'm a lesbian."

Lily's mouth dropped open, and she was rendered utterly speechless. She hadn't expected Gumi to come around so quickly, but she wasn't finished yet.

"I'm a lesbian," she repeated, "I'm a lesbian and I love girls and I love you and I don't care what anyone thinks about it. I'm a lesbian."

Lily blinked, and her voice came back to her. "Babe, it's okay, you don't have to-"

"I'm not doing it for you," Gumi interrupted, her face immediately reddening. "I mean, wait, I'm not trying to be rude or anything! I just meant, y'know, I'm doing it...for me? Because I...I want to be comfortable with it. I want to be able to say it with the same amount of confidence that you have. Ah, I'm sorry, I wasn't-"

"No, no!" Lily let a relieved laugh escape her. "It's okay, I know what you mean. I'm...I'm proud of you, Goom."

Gumi's eyes shone with love as she looked at her girlfriend, and without warning, she gave her a long, sweet kiss. Lily stroked her back, her hair, her arms, doing whatever she could to let her know that she was cherished and wanted.

They pulled apart, not breaking eye contact for a long, long time. Then, Gumi once again snuggled against Lily's neck with a quiet murmur of "I love you."

Lily smooched the top of her head, once more resting her hand within the emerald green locks of her girlfriend's short hair. "I love you, too. I love you so, so much."

Gumi, her voice slightly muffled by Lily's neck, mumbled, "I love you more."

Lily giggled and began messing up her hair. "Nuh-uh, I love you more!"

Their teasing evolved into a little tickle battle, each of them taking advantage of each other's closeness to get at their weak spots. In the end, Lily won, and soon she had moved down to plant kisses on Gumi's neck instead.

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me," Lily whispered, her voice surprisingly sincere. "Thanks for bein' comfy enough to say all this stuff."

"Thank _you_ for giving me the courage to say it." Gumi replied. This time, it was her hands that stroked Lily's hair, rubbing the messy blonde strands affectionately. "You're the best thing to ever happen to me, too."

And just like that, Lily felt it: that familiar surge in her heart that told her that she was in love, that she would never find another girl like this anywhere else.

It was good to be in love, she decided, if it meant getting to have more special moments like this one.

**Author's Note:**

> ive been thinking about this since last night and my brain was like "from now on you WILL write more lily/gumi content" and i was like "lol ok"
> 
> also as for where this places in my Personal Honeycarrot Timeline: this is shortly after they get together, like 2 or 3 months, so theyre still in high school. once they graduate and move in together and get married gumi becomes a lot more open about her identity so yeah, theres a happy ending!!!


End file.
